tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
