the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
