He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You may now shotgun with the bride
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
