Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
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i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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