Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
