life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
