so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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