if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize