The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I believe in your delicious
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
