The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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