we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Randomize