im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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