please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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