just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
