no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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