I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
party gras won. party gras always wins.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
