So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
