I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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