Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
