Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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