Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
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