For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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