i'm lost and i look like a hooker
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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