my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
