I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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