Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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