My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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