We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
