Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
