Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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