Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
