Your face is a jimmy john
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
