he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
