Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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