omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
