Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
