Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
