Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
