I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
