First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
50% drunk capacity currently
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
