He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
