Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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