I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
