If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
