Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
