i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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