i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
