my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
