I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Houston, we have a blender
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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