why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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