ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
