apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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