they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
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