Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
