You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
