i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
