I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
