i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
