When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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